Why I Foster Teens Instead of Having Biological Kids
As I write this, a five-month-old baby is napping in the room next to me. His mom, the teenager we're fostering, is out learning to drive with my wife.
I guess I'm a grandparent now.
How did I get here?
Why did I choose to foster instead of adopting or having biological kids?
It's not because I'm some morally superior human being. I'm the guy who started an online business so I could go snowboarding on a Tuesday. I've been known to forget my wife's birthday until mid-morning. And if there's one gluten-free brownie left, I will take it without warning or hesitation. I'm far from selfless.
In fact, until my wife brought up fostering, I had never considered it. We were in the car one day when she said, “I think I’m meant to be a foster parent. I’m going to do it one way or another, but I’d love to do it with you.” That conversation kicked off one of the most challenging yet rewarding chapters of our lives.
A Little Bit of Background
Over the past five years, we’ve fostered a 6-year-old girl, a 16-year-old boy, and now an 18-year-old mom. We’ve also done short-term respite placements for a handful of other teens.
Unlike many foster parents, we're not religious (a lot of foster parents are Christian). We've never tried to get pregnant. And we've never felt a pull toward adoption. Instead, we've found that fostering — particularly fostering teenagers — aligns best with what we want out of parenting.
You might be wondering...
“Why Not Have Your Own Kids?”
People often ask if we want to have biological kids.
"Don't you want a little version of you to subconsciously impose your forgotten hopes and dreams upon?"
Well, they don’t say it exactly like that. But it's a fair question. And we’ve thought long and hard about it.
The real answer is that neither of us feels a strong desire to pass on our genes. In the absence of this desire, we don't see a reason to create new humans when so many already need support. Fostering allows us to experience parenting without having kids of our own.
I have a lot of respect for biological parents. It’s a lifelong commitment in a way that fostering rarely is. Plus, you'll have someone to help you swim to safety during the impending climate crisis.
Okay, I’ll stop now.
"How About Adoption?”
I’m open to adoption as a potential outcome of fostering. While the primary goal of foster care is family reunification, there are some circumstances where adoption becomes necessary. But in the case of older teens, adoption may not be their preference, even if reunification with a family member isn’t possible. And since fostering isn't a replacement for us having biological kids, adoption doesn't hold any special status.
I also have ethical concerns. The foster-to-adopt process means terminating parental rights, which disproportionately affects low-income families. Even in voluntary adoption cases, coercion and fraud are widespread.
This is not to say that fostering occupies some moral high ground. The foster care system in the U.S. is deeply flawed. The state agencies are so under-resourced that it's not unusual for kids to be taken out of bad homes and put into even worse ones. But as long as the system exists, I'd rather be able to influence it in a positive way.
"Why Teens In Particular?”
I spent most of my 20s focused on my own success and happiness. There are only so many times you can optimize your morning routine before you realize it won't fill the void. In contrast, I remember the night my wife made our 6-year old’s favorite meal from back home. She took one bite, and her whole body relaxed. It was the first time she had felt a sense of familiarity in months. That’s the moment I was sold on fostering in general.
Then I saw this talk by Josh Shipp, who shares his experience as a teen in foster care:
I learned that within fostering, there is significantly more support available for young children. Teens often end up in group homes, hotel rooms, and state social work offices. The reason is simple: most people want to foster little kids. Because they're cute. And they can't easily drive your car into another person.
But while fostering teens may sound intimidating, it’s been a great fit for us. Here’s why:
Flexibility: Younger kids require constant supervision, but teens tend to be more independent. With our 6-year-old, we didn’t have a date night for months — until my parents visited. With our first teen, we could probably have gone out for hours and he wouldn't have realized we were gone.
Coaching: Look, I love listening to Kidz Bop and dancing around with streamers as much as the next person. But parenting young kids involves a lot of hands-on caretaking. With teens, you're more of a coach. You help them set goals, stay on track, and navigate life decisions. This dynamic plays to my strengths and allows me to focus on the ages I want to parent most.
Impact: Every year, about 20,000 young people age out of the foster care system without support. Many will become instantly homeless, struggle with substance abuse, or become victims of sex trafficking. While 70% of youth in foster care have the desire to attend college, only 50% will graduate high school and only 6% will get a college degree. By fostering teens, we get to make an impact at a pivotal stage in their lives. Simple things — like helping them get a driver’s license, bank account, degree, or job — can set them up for a future they might not otherwise have.
Fun: With younger kids, you’re watching endless YouTube videos of some other child opening toys. With teens, you’re watching Queer Eye and critiquing Tan's wardrobe choices. I find this much more enjoyable. Plus, teens are able to communicate with you in a way that younger kids just can't. I love their dry sense of humor.
Advice To My Former Self
So, what have I learned over the last five years of fostering? A few things:
First, parenting isn’t about controlling behavior; it’s about building a connection that lasts. So you have to pick your battles. This is especially true when fostering teens, who you may only have a short time to influence. I want these kids to know that we're just one call away even after they leave. In fact, one of the teens we fostered returned to our home today after spending a year abroad with his biological dad. You’ve got to play the long game.
Second, if you’re considering fostering, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Respite care—short-term support for kids whose foster parents need a break—can last from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks. It's a great way to dip your toe in without making a long-term commitment. Don't confuse this with a social worker looking for a long term placement and telling you that the kid “just needs a place to stay for a night or two” (lies).
Finally, fostering isn’t about "saving" kids. Because they don’t need saving; they need stability, love, and someone to show them how capable they are. Kids in foster care are there because something bad happened. They don't owe you gratitude, affection, or some special redemption arc. So do your best to love them without expectation of return. Keep modeling healthy attachment regardless of the feedback you receive. Trust the process.
If you decide to foster, I hope you do it for the right reasons—not for your ego, not as a replacement for biological kids, but for the person you’ll become along the way.
